- You have a neat stack (I was going to say neat little stack, but it's no longer "little") of dishes waiting to go in the dish washer. You are just too lazy to empty the clean dish washer and put in the dirty dishes. By the time you put away the "cleans," you have enough "dirties" to run the dish washer and start a new neat stack.
- Even though you know how, and have all supplies necessary, instead of putting seven quick stitches in the hem of your pants to mend them, you iron the hem with stitch witchery every time you wear them. It ends up taking much longer since you have to do this about once a week for five months. Plus, when you add the time it took to drive to the store, buy the stitch witchery, and drive home (don't forget the cost of the things you "picked up since you were at the fabric store anyway," the new shoes from the store next door, and the cool treat from the DQ), you SO could have done all the mending in the pile or paid someone else to do it.
- If you keep the vacuum out long enough, someone else will vacuum for you.
- You find out that the weeds that looked so ugly three weeks ago (and were on your to-do list to be killed) flower if left alone long enough. They actually look a little bit pretty. And maybe, if you are really lucky, one of the neighbor kids will think so too, and pick them for his or her mom. Another thing crossed of the to-do list.
- You don't have dust bunnies anymore. And it's not because you are efficient or cleaned. They have turned into dust elephants.
- The stack of magazines that started out as three, decorating a plant stand, is now closer to fifty-four that became your fifth grader's science project experiment. To disprove gravitational forces in his house.
- You stop yelling at your kids to keep their hands off the walls. Rather, you yell at them to keep running up and down the hall, flailing their filthy hands all over the walls. It's cheaper than faux-finishing and if it looks good enough, you may be able to open your own business. Now you just need to invite over the high school basketball team to get the hard-to-reach areas near the ceiling.
- You spend hours on the phone with the bank. You don't need anything from the bank. You just enjoy the "grown-up" conversation with the automated system.
- You have so many "safe" places to store your important documents that you can't remember what stuff is in which "safe" place. You find the thank you notes you wrote for your wedding six years ago while looking for your bank statements (see number 17). You consider mailing them and hope no one realizes how long you've been married. Then you realize they may get suspicious since you have two and one-thirds children.
- You run to the store, just before going to bed, after seeing you are out of milk. Sixty-two dollars later, you put the groceries away and go to bed. You wake up thirty minutes early to sneak to the grocery store to get the milk you forgot to buy last night.
- You plan for eight months the treat you are going to make for your annual turn to host bookclub. You make funnel cakes to order, from scratch, for each guest. You have several homemade topping options available. You have an equally delicious "gluten-free" alternative that is a hit with everyone. You bought new dishes, cloth napkins, and fancy glasses to serve your guests. All for one evening with friends. The 364 remaining evenings, you make chicken nuggets and tater tots and tell your family to "make do" with paper plates, sporks, and box juices.
- You love to decorate for the holidays. You just hate un-decorating when each holiday is over. You solve this dilemma by designating each room in the house with its own holiday. That way you only decorate once and leave it "as-is" year-round. If anyone complains, you counter with, "Have you always hated fill-in-the-blank holiday?"
- Your first child's every movement was documented in photo and video. Your second child had the "big" moments documented. You felt a little guilty. So you installed security cameras in every room of the house and each car. Now EVERY moment for EVERY child will be documented.
- You decided to de-clutter. It becomes so overwhelming you think your husband may come home to a wife, chanting like Jodie Foster in Nell. You decided that anything that didn't move was going in the trash. Unfortunately, you won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, but hadn't cashed the check. Wouldn't you know it...that giant check wasn't moving when you got that crazy de-clutter bug.
- You go to the Wal-mart for some peace and quiet. The day the welfare recipients get their government checks.
- It's been so long since you cleaned your closet, you no longer need to buy hangers. The closet is just so full that if you can wedge that new shirt in there, it will hang rather nicely. Further proof of number 6.
- You decide to FINALLY balance your checkbook. You pull out the statements (yes, it's plural--like I said, it's been awhile) and the registers. You decide a handheld calculator isn't going to cut it and pull out the big one with the receipt tape. After awhile, you resort to an excel spreadsheet. After spending countless hours and pulling out more hair than you knew you had, you discover that the babysitter that PROMISED to cash the check you gave her when you forgot to get cash, never did. Two and a half years ago. And that is why you can't balance your checkbook. You almost call her to see if she intends to cash it, but decide since she move to another CONTINENT, that she won't. The check shows up on your next statement, but you won't find out about it for another three years, which turns out to be the next time you balance your checkbook.
- You wait until the day after any holiday to buy candy. Valentine's Day, Easter, Halloween. You get it for 50% or more off. You tell your kids that Cupid, the Easter Bunny, the Great Pumpkin--whoever--had too many houses to go to ON the holiday and you agreed to let him or her to come later.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Signs you may not be the "ideal" homemaker...
I got the idea from another blog I read. Some of these have a basis in my real life. Others have been inspired from comments my friends have made. Feel free to add your own in the comments...