Saturday, June 6, 2009

It's a miracle!

(Cue: Chorus of angels singing)

A few days ago, as I was listening to the Today Show, trying to wake up for the day, I heard something that proves that scientists must have recently discovered the cure for every disease, ailment, and ill known to man.

You may be asking yourself why you have not heard the same news I did.

Well, if we're being completely honest, I didn't hear it ON the Today Show. It was a commercial DURING the Today Show.

And no one actually SAID that scientists had discovered the cure-all.

The commercial was for a prescription that you can get from a doctor that will change your life.

If you have "eyelash hypotrichosis," the "medical" name for inadequate or sparse eyelashes.

Yes. You heard me correctly. You can now get a topical prescription to make your eyelashes longer and fuller. So now for, get this, a mere $120 a bottle, you can achieve the same result as my $6 mascara. And you can do it by using a drug that was intended to treat glaucoma, a real disease.

I googled "prescription for fuller eyelashes" and came across a real "news story" where the "reporter" interviewed the wife of an opthamologist who is quoted as saying what can only be described as one of the craziest things I have heard in a long time: “And I always wanted longer lashes but eyelash extensions are just too expensive.”

REALLY?!? I didn't even know that was a possibility. So, to find out more about this insane option, I googled "cost for eyelash extensions." Who knew that for only $250 you could get eyelash extensions that last two months and that the "refills" are only $50? That's $500 a year. And it takes about two hours to be extended. And you can't use mascara while the extensions are attached. Well, I would hope not, for all that time and money!

In researching this, I went to the website for the drug. The website also provides valuable information about Juviderm and Natrelle--the latest in Botox and boob jobs. Apparently, those afflicted with "eyelash hypotrichosis" also must suffer from "parenthesis" a/k/a wrinkles and improper "breast aesthetics."

Wow, the website gets better and better! They have the "Evolution of Lash Enhancers," which is a hall of fame of historic moments from 4000 BC--yeah 6000 years ago!--to the present time. There is a before/after gallery, including Brooke Shields' journey from sparse, anemic eyelashes to full, supple, and sexy eyelashes.

Oh. And if you dig deep enough, you will come across the warnings:
Important Safety Information
  • May cause eyelid skin darkening which may be reversible, and there is potential for increased brown iris pigmentation which is likely to be permanent.
  • There is a potential for hair growth to occur in areas where the solution comes in repeated contact with skin surfaces.
  • If you develop or experience any eye problems or have eye surgery, consult your doctor immediately.
  • The most common side effects are an itching sensation in the eyes and/or eye redness.
  • You are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA.
So, just to get this straight, your eyelids can turn dark, your iris can turn brown, you can grow hair anywhere that has contact with the solution (don't accidentally drip some on your upper lip), you can develop eye problems, your eyes will itch and turn red, and Oh-yeah-we-don't-necessarily-know-all-the-side-effects-so-tell-the-FDA-about-anything-you-experience.

Or you can keep wearing mascara. Which, when I searched google, doesn't come with an FDA warning.

It's a good thing the drug companies have this "eyelash hypotrichosis" under control.


Emily said...

Eyelash hypotrichosis is a serious disease that affects dozens of people each year, Stephanie. I would appreciate it if we all kept in mind their struggles with thin eyelashes. Imagine what YOUR life would be like if you didn't have full, long lashes. I recently read a study that found out that people with thinner, shorter lashes get paid .003% less than their fuller-lashed colleagues, and are about as likely to go to college and graduate. So, with that information in mind, please remember we all have our trials.

jake and jenni said...

You are hilarious! I have seen that commercial and I thought the same thing! Lets focus on real life! thanks for the laugh!

Lucinda said...

Thanks for the warning. I canceled my order!

Evon said...

I don't know what to say???? Do you need a new job? Where do you find the time for all your research?

Ginger said...