Thursday, September 6, 2012

You better Redneckognize!

So, the other night I went out on the town with three girl friends. 

Just so you know, I will protect the identities of each of these women so no one is overly embarrassed.  And since much of the evening's conversation revolved around the TV phenomenon known as "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," I will refer to each of us as one of the family members from that train wreck.  I will be known as Pumpkin since I am the only one who is pregnant; but that is where the similarities of the real people to the people on the show ends.  The remainder of the gals will be assigned their names in alphabetical order. 

We were getting ready to drive home and Chubbs called shot gun.  I was perfectly fine with her in that position since I had assumed we would keep the same seats we had on the way to the evening's events; Chubbs in shot gun, Chickadee as driver, Honey Boo Boo in the back passenger seat, and me behind Chickadee.

We were settling in as Chickadee started the car.  Chubbs was still chatting to other gals as she was getting in the car.  I was in the back, trying desperately to buckle my seat belt (and not because Chickadee's driving scares me), while Honey Boo Boo was texting one of the Kardashians.

Suddenly, Chubbs started gasping, "Help!  Help!"

I looked up to see the front seat's automatic adjuster moving the seat forward and the back of the seat to a much less reclined position.  Sort of like a clam, closing up for the evening.  Chubbs was in real danger of going through the windshield in slow motion. 

Clearly, the seat had a mind all its own.

Chickadee jumped out of the driver's seat and ran around to Chubbs' rescue.  Apparently, while Chubbs was getting into the car, she had leaned up against the automatic seat mover-upper without realizing it.

Fortunately Chickadee was able to put the seat in its correct upright position and Chubbs could re-attempt to get into the car.

But she did it again.

However, this time she was able to find the button to stop the forward action and right herself.

Somehow Honey Boo Boo was mostly oblivious to what was going on, although Chubbs was blaming Honey Boo Boo for pushing her seat forward to give herself more leg room. 

Which is completely ridiculous since Honey Boo Boo has the shortest legs of all of us.

Somehow we made it home without further incident.

Or at least I did, since I was the first dropped off. 

But beware that when you are with Chickadee, Chubbs, Honey Boo Boo, or Pumpkin, you may get way more than you bargained for.


Thursday, August 23, 2012

Don't mess with me!

I consider myself a mostly patient person.

Sometimes even too patient.

I have been known to wait and wait and wait for customer service representatives because I can sympathize with them.  They are doing a mainly thankless job and take a lot of crap for it.

I also do not like confrontation one bit.

I will allow others to walk all over me instead of telling them to be nice.

But not the other day.  No sirree!

Darrell and I went to Staples to get a few supplies for his business.  There were quite a few other people with only one cash register open.  So we got to stand in line.  For a long time.

Usually not a big deal.

After several minutes, the cashier was helping the people in front of us.  All looked as if we would be out of there in two shakes of a lamb's ear.  (Whatever that means)

Oh.  But they were returning a big ol' bag full of stuff.

The cashier did a great job of scanning the thousand items, finding each on the receipt, and made quick business of this transaction.

But then, the bump in the road happened. 

They had apparently paid for the items with a pre-paid VISA card but wanted cash back.  The computer did not like that.  Not.One.Bit.

The cashier explained they needed to provide her with the pre-paid card and I think they said they didn't have it any more. 

She explained they could then receive a store credit and began to finish the transaction. 

But now, all of a sudden, they were easily able to produce the card and did not want a store credit.

Too late.  The computer did not want to allow the cashier to switch methods of refund.

But, they HAD to have the money back on their pre-paid card.

The cashier had to get a manager override.

By this time, the line had grown enormously and the poor cashier was seriously freaking out.

She told the crazy customers to wait for the manager while she helped the other customers.

She moved from one register to the next, announcing, "I'll help the next person in line over here."

A man, who was either 1 or 2 people behind Darrell and I, bolted for the new open register.

Normally, I would just steam on the inside.

But not that day.

I don't know if it was that we had waited for so long or if it was that I was hot and 25 weeks pregnant with twins ( heard correctly), but a said very loudly, "Excuuuuse ME!"

To which Mr. Buttinski replied, "I wasn't trying to cut!"


I don't know who was more shocked by my or Darrell.

But I will tell you what...."That was easy!"

Saturday, January 28, 2012

House of Card Sharks

When we were little girls, my sister, Jennilyn, and I played together for hours on end.  All day.  Every day.

We played house, school, Primary, Barbies.  We really liked to pretend.

We also loved games. We played Sorry, Hi-Ho Cherry-O, Old Maid (that's a story for another day), and Candyland, among numerous others.

But we also wanted to play the Big Kid Games.  You, know, the games that parents played.  Our Mom and Dad had Backgammon, Thinking Man's Football (yes...that's a real game), chess, and a bunch of others which I'm sure had names but I never really learned. 

Like I said, we loved games.

So, when we were sick or home during summer vacation, we loved to watch game shows.  And, I'll admit, I still like to watch some game shows that are on TV now.

It goes without saying that somehow we would be able to combine the best of both worlds...playing "Pretend," playing games, and game shows.  I guess that's more than "both" and should be "all."

When I was about 8, we figured out the perfect way to play Wheel of Fortune.  Keep in mind that this was the pre-Pat-Sajak-and-Vanna-White days.  It was back when Chuck Woolery hosted and Susan Stafford was the letter-turner.  (Thank you, Wikipedia!).

We went into the "kids'" bathroom that had a wall of cabinets with four or five doors.  One of us played the contestant and the other played Susan Stafford.  "Susan" stood at one side of the cabinets and thought of a four or five lettered word...we were, afterall pretty young and could only spell a few words longer than that anyway.  The contestant called letters to guess the word and Susan would elegantly glide from one side of the cabinets to the other and "turn" the letter over.  In reality, she opened the cabinet door as she walked by.  Of course, since neither of us dreamed of writing on the cabinet doors (for real...we were really good kids and never even tried to damage the house or furniture) and we were only 6 and 8, the contestant could never really figure out the word Susan as thinking of.  Plus, it got boring really fast.

We decided there had to be another game show that would better translate to the real world.

And then we figured out a way to even include one of our parents' "Adult" games in the mix...Card Sharks!

Now, don't be crazy and think my parents had real, live face cards.  Nooooo.  We only had Rook cards.  And not just one set, but two.  And I don't think anyone even knew how to play Rook.  And I'm pretty sure no one in my family has learned.

But they were perfect for Card Sharks.

Again, one of us played the contestant and the other played the host (Wikipedia isn't as helpful with this one).  The host asked the contestant a question like, "We asked 100 teachers, how many of you have caught a student cheating?"  The host always made up the questions on the fly and since we were kids that lacked the reasoning skills that most adults possess, the answer would usually be something like 47.

I don't remember any of the questions or answers I came up with, but I certainly remember one that Jennilyn asked me:

We asked 100 married men, How many of you were bachelors before you got married?

I was oh-so-excited since I knew the answer to that one without even was definitely 100!

Jennilyn, however, disagreed.

 An argument ensued.

I insisted that all men were bachelors before they were married.

Jennilyn emphatically said no.

I told her that even Dad had been a bachelor before he married Mom.

She became rather disgusted and indignant.

We got Mom involved in the disagreement who sided with me.

I think Jennilyn started crying.

Come to find out, she thought a bachelor was a bad thing.  I'm guessing sort of like a six-year old's version of a gigolo.   

Who knew that 30-something years later a bachelor would, in fact, be a gigolo?