Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Halloween

Darrell and I are not such big fans of the Halloween.

It should come as no surprise, though, that our not-so-affinity for the holiday is for vastly different reasons.

Darrell dislikes Halloween because of the following:
People dress up in costumes.
People try to interact with him.
People come to our house uninvited.
The people who come to our house uninvited expect him to give them candy.
Sometimes people give him candy, which he is mostly unfond of.
People invite him to parties.
If he goes to the parties (which most of the time he doesn't), people expect him to be dressed in a costume.
If he isn't dressed in a costume (which is anytime he goes to a Halloween party), people ask him where his other brother, Darrell, is.
He doesn't care for pumpkins one bit.
He really doesn't want to eat anything made to look like a pumpkin.
And he most certainly doesn't want to eat anything made with pumpkin.

I dislike Halloween for the following reasons:
People use Halloween as an excuse to dress like skanky 'ho's.
I always figure out the perfect costume the day after Halloween and don't remember any good ones the days leading to Halloween.
It signals the end to Dairy Queen's Pumpkin Pie Blizzard flavor of the month and I realize I didn't eat one every day in October, so I didn't get my Recommended Annual Allotment.
I eat enough chocolate that I gain the weight equivalent of a large 6 year-old.
The teenagers that trick-or-treat at my house really creep me out.  Seriously.  I only give them candy because I'm afraid of what they will do to me or my house if I don't.  But I usually buy some yucky candy (like those grody candies that are wrapped in either black or orange wax paper) to give to the teenagers.  This is 100% true.  No poetic license used.  For.Reals.

So, because Darrell and I have some ill will towards Halloween, these are some of the activities we have done to stay away from the creepy revelers:
Gone to dinner at a fancy restaurant.  There is no waiting and the wait staff are generally friendly since we are the only tips they will receive that evening.
Gone to a movie.  Especially not a thriller-kind of movie.  There is no one in the theater and we can have what ever seats we want.  And talk, since there isn't any one to shush us.  Except we don't talk because then we would miss the movie.
Gone grocery shopping.  As long as you stay out of the candy aisle, you are free to roam about.
Hid in the back of the house with all the lights out and the TV turned down real low.  This isn't as much fun since you are basically a prisoner in your own house.  Without the ankle bracelet tracker, so it feels even worse since you know you are allowed to leave anytime you want, you just can't.

But then there are the times that we have gotten suckered into doing the Halloween thing.
We don't dress up in a costume.
We give out yucky candy because if we had bought the good stuff we would have eaten it.  (Or maybe we did and we ended up having to buy the yucky stuff to prevent ballooning up the weight equivalent of a large 14 year-old.  On steroids.)
When we run out of candy, we start giving out left over fast food sauce packets.  We tend to have a few.

So, take a guess as to what is on our agenda this coming Monday....


Just Pam said...

I am really sad that it is almost Halloween! Know why? Because Oct. will be over and then your commitment to write every day in Oct. will be done and you won't write for a long time, AGAIN!
Please keep posting because you are sooooooooo funny! The bright spot of my morning--reading what you wrote while I was sleeping!

Ginger said...

Darrell is hilarious! (of course you are too, but I tell you that all the time).

Emily said...

Now come. on! The whole "Where's your other brother, Darrell?" thing is hilarious. He should just go with it.